Today marks 2 months since Mike passed away. I'm feeling really conflicted and don't know how to feel exactly. This morning I woke up ready to face my day. Then it hit me that it is a significant day that marks the passing of time. The day isn't even half over and I've been through the whole spectrum of emotions already. I felt hopeful then hopeless. I felt happy then profoundly sad. Then angry. I mostly end these types of cycles with anger because I think it's easier for me to feel anger than the sadness and grief. Through it all, I feel lonely. It's such a deep loneliness that at times it feels nothing will break through and make me not feel it. Ever. Mike and I used to sit and talk for hours. After 14 years together, we never ran out of things to talk about. I think I miss him more as my best friend than I do my husband.
This pity party started yesterday when I cleaned out his car so I could donate it. I put it off this whole time because a car is so personal to most people, and I knew I was going to have a hard time seeing his stuff in there. I thought I was ready, so I tackled it yesterday. I suppose technically I was ready, and I was mostly prepared, but that wave of emotion that came over me was indescribable. It was gut-wrenching. Even just cleaning the garbage out was difficult. Every single thing I touched caused a physical pain I wasn't expecting. I had vivid memories of so much of it and could attach a time and place memory to so many things I came across. I had to process through all that, then today's anniversary of his death is sending me on a whole 'nother ride I don't want to take.
I tried to sit down and work today to distract myself, but I can't focus at all. Instead I'm going to get out of the house. I need to run Austin out to the campus, then I'm going to just go sit at the park or something for a while. I can't sit at home.
This pity party started yesterday when I cleaned out his car so I could donate it. I put it off this whole time because a car is so personal to most people, and I knew I was going to have a hard time seeing his stuff in there. I thought I was ready, so I tackled it yesterday. I suppose technically I was ready, and I was mostly prepared, but that wave of emotion that came over me was indescribable. It was gut-wrenching. Even just cleaning the garbage out was difficult. Every single thing I touched caused a physical pain I wasn't expecting. I had vivid memories of so much of it and could attach a time and place memory to so many things I came across. I had to process through all that, then today's anniversary of his death is sending me on a whole 'nother ride I don't want to take.
I tried to sit down and work today to distract myself, but I can't focus at all. Instead I'm going to get out of the house. I need to run Austin out to the campus, then I'm going to just go sit at the park or something for a while. I can't sit at home.