I have now learned the real meaning of "Widow's Brain." I knew I was more forgetful than usual lately, but this is ridiculous. Yesterday I went to knitting group at Starbuck's, and I actually forgot my knitting. It gave us all something to laugh about, and nobody made me feel stupid at least. I'm pretty good at remembering to do what I need to do for the kids, but when it's something for or about myself, if it's not written down I'm most likely not going to remember. Fine, I just need to at least try to remember to write it down so I can remember. Exhausting!
I was proud of myself today. I have been feeling anxiety about my car thinking it's going to break down on me at any minute, so I brought it in to our mechanic today. I just asked them for an annual inspection, oil change, and for them to fix an annoying electrical problem with my windows. It means I'm now without a car until tomorrow night, but I'll feel much safer driving knowing they've gone over it thoroughly for me. The pride part comes in because it's something I would have never done before. This is something Mike would have taken care of, and I would have gone on blissfully with my day knowing it was being taken care of. I got the car down there myself and they gave me a ride back home, and I feel accomplished. It's just one more little thing that I now know I can do on my own. Of course, the second I got home I crumbled and completely lost it for a few minutes because, while I felt accomplished, I also felt Mike's loss hit me right in the gut again. I wonder if someday...I won't feel like I'm being kicked in the gut over and over. If something will happen and I'll just remember when Mike would have done that and feel only fond memories or happy thoughts. People say that will happen, but I can't even imagine it. I can't imagine not feeling immense sadness every time I see something that is somehow connected with Mike. It's not like I can get rid of everything connected to him because I would have nothing, and since I'm the mother of his son, that's pretty much impossible.
My healing thought for the day: Fuck it! I have Widow's Brain!
And another random picture...
I was proud of myself today. I have been feeling anxiety about my car thinking it's going to break down on me at any minute, so I brought it in to our mechanic today. I just asked them for an annual inspection, oil change, and for them to fix an annoying electrical problem with my windows. It means I'm now without a car until tomorrow night, but I'll feel much safer driving knowing they've gone over it thoroughly for me. The pride part comes in because it's something I would have never done before. This is something Mike would have taken care of, and I would have gone on blissfully with my day knowing it was being taken care of. I got the car down there myself and they gave me a ride back home, and I feel accomplished. It's just one more little thing that I now know I can do on my own. Of course, the second I got home I crumbled and completely lost it for a few minutes because, while I felt accomplished, I also felt Mike's loss hit me right in the gut again. I wonder if someday...I won't feel like I'm being kicked in the gut over and over. If something will happen and I'll just remember when Mike would have done that and feel only fond memories or happy thoughts. People say that will happen, but I can't even imagine it. I can't imagine not feeling immense sadness every time I see something that is somehow connected with Mike. It's not like I can get rid of everything connected to him because I would have nothing, and since I'm the mother of his son, that's pretty much impossible.
My healing thought for the day: Fuck it! I have Widow's Brain!
And another random picture...
This one doesn't have Mike in it, but it does have Colin. I believe Mike and Colin are together now, hanging out, waiting for the rest of us. Take care of each other Mike and Colin!