I need a day to rant. Please forgive me. Some days I wish I could just escape grief altogether. I'm tired, and I don't want to go through all these different stages of grief. I want it to just be...done. I've been having these weird swings lately that are so over-the-top extreme, I'm not sure yet how to handle them. I seem to be vacillating between a sadness so profound my legs give out and I'm collapsed in a puddle of uncontrollable sobbing, to a deep dark anger coming from my most primal being. On the up-swing, I almost feel guilty that I'm able to smile or laugh. Isn't it too soon for that? Do I have a right to laugh or feel moments of happiness less than 6 weeks after I lost the love of my life? Am I allowed? I realize that I feel what I feel, but is it crazy, as in the "calm before the storm"?
What triggered all this? Every day something new and different is triggered. I suppose it's all of those stages I keep hearing about and reading about. I started cleaning Mike's stuff out of our bedroom over the weekend. At first I did okay with it, but as I would come across something sentimental, I was progressively getting more sad...and angry. Why did he leave me with all of this to deal with alone? Why did he have to leave me at all? I found a box with a bunch of his school-age stuff...some report cards, pictures, projects, hand prints, etc. On one hand, it was nice to have this stuff because I think it will really mean something to Jack one day. On the other hand, it's a very painful reminder. After a few hours, I had only made a small dent in his stuff and I found I was crying more than cleaning, so I wrapped it up for the day. I'll tackle it again next weekend. I really need to do this, and I'm feeling like the sooner I get it done, the sooner I'll have one place in the house that is only mine where I can escape the constant reminders. I'm very much looking forward to the day I walk away from this house to start over in a fresh house without so many memories of Mike torturing me.
I still haven't been working nearly as much as I'd like to. I used to be so...driven. Now I'm still driven, but it's so much different. Everything changed, and most of what used to be important to me just isn't anymore. I'm feeling this burning need to make a difference somehow. I'm still trying to figure out what that means for me or which direction to turn.
On the kid front: Jack is home all week for Spring Break. It's nice having so much time with him, but we're only on day 2 so far and I think we're going to have to find something to keep us both busy or we'll go nuts. Hopefully he'll be spending some time with his friend as well. Austin's Spring Break is next week, and he's leaving this Friday to spend his break in California. He's looking forward to going, and I'm happy he's going. He needs this time away to reset and spend time with his other family. He gave up his Christmas vacation there because of Mike's illness, so he really deserves this and I hope he has the best time ever.
Photo time! It was brought to my attention recently that I never post pictures of myself. I don't like pictures of me, and I really don't like to post them anywhere. But my life is changing and with that, here's proof that I actually DO smile!
What triggered all this? Every day something new and different is triggered. I suppose it's all of those stages I keep hearing about and reading about. I started cleaning Mike's stuff out of our bedroom over the weekend. At first I did okay with it, but as I would come across something sentimental, I was progressively getting more sad...and angry. Why did he leave me with all of this to deal with alone? Why did he have to leave me at all? I found a box with a bunch of his school-age stuff...some report cards, pictures, projects, hand prints, etc. On one hand, it was nice to have this stuff because I think it will really mean something to Jack one day. On the other hand, it's a very painful reminder. After a few hours, I had only made a small dent in his stuff and I found I was crying more than cleaning, so I wrapped it up for the day. I'll tackle it again next weekend. I really need to do this, and I'm feeling like the sooner I get it done, the sooner I'll have one place in the house that is only mine where I can escape the constant reminders. I'm very much looking forward to the day I walk away from this house to start over in a fresh house without so many memories of Mike torturing me.
I still haven't been working nearly as much as I'd like to. I used to be so...driven. Now I'm still driven, but it's so much different. Everything changed, and most of what used to be important to me just isn't anymore. I'm feeling this burning need to make a difference somehow. I'm still trying to figure out what that means for me or which direction to turn.
On the kid front: Jack is home all week for Spring Break. It's nice having so much time with him, but we're only on day 2 so far and I think we're going to have to find something to keep us both busy or we'll go nuts. Hopefully he'll be spending some time with his friend as well. Austin's Spring Break is next week, and he's leaving this Friday to spend his break in California. He's looking forward to going, and I'm happy he's going. He needs this time away to reset and spend time with his other family. He gave up his Christmas vacation there because of Mike's illness, so he really deserves this and I hope he has the best time ever.
Photo time! It was brought to my attention recently that I never post pictures of myself. I don't like pictures of me, and I really don't like to post them anywhere. But my life is changing and with that, here's proof that I actually DO smile!
This is Dawn (on the left) and me (right) at A&W this weekend. We had a good time with many laughs.
And for those that aren't on Facebook to have seen this when I posted it there.