This last week has carried with it a lot of "firsts" for us. Usually firsts are a good thing, something to be relished, but now they are sad and scary and lonely.
Jack has his first stomach flu since Mike passed away. He would have been the hero in this situation. Seeing and cleaning up vomit has never been a problem for him, but it's always been a weakness for me as it immediately triggers me to vomit myself. We are going on 36 hours now with no clear end in sight, and Jack is home from school today spending the day between the couch and the bathroom. Fortunately for both of us, he has gotten better at predicting it and getting to the bathroom on time. I'm going to try to get some work done, and Ray has taken over the job of watching over Jack (he takes his job very seriously!).
Jack has his first stomach flu since Mike passed away. He would have been the hero in this situation. Seeing and cleaning up vomit has never been a problem for him, but it's always been a weakness for me as it immediately triggers me to vomit myself. We are going on 36 hours now with no clear end in sight, and Jack is home from school today spending the day between the couch and the bathroom. Fortunately for both of us, he has gotten better at predicting it and getting to the bathroom on time. I'm going to try to get some work done, and Ray has taken over the job of watching over Jack (he takes his job very seriously!).
I was supposed to spend the day at my lawyer's office getting some stuff done for the case, but I can't leave Jack home alone, and I can't very well take him with me to spend the day in an office when he's sick. So I had to cancel that for today and hope we can find another time soon that will work for everyone. I would really like to start moving forward on this case and refocus my sadness and depression onto something more productive.
Another first last week was that I took the boys in for haircuts. This may not seem like a big deal, but it's something Mike always did. I fell apart at the salon because I didn't even know what haircut Mike used to tell them and had to try to describe it and explain why it is now under a different name, and I completely lost it. They were so nice to me and patient and understanding, and it all turned out just fine. In fact, the boys both got great haircuts and look so handsome.
Austin's hair was down to the middle of his back (he kept it pulled back in a ponytail and looked very neat, but still...
Another first last week was that I took the boys in for haircuts. This may not seem like a big deal, but it's something Mike always did. I fell apart at the salon because I didn't even know what haircut Mike used to tell them and had to try to describe it and explain why it is now under a different name, and I completely lost it. They were so nice to me and patient and understanding, and it all turned out just fine. In fact, the boys both got great haircuts and look so handsome.
Austin's hair was down to the middle of his back (he kept it pulled back in a ponytail and looked very neat, but still...
The next "first" hasn't happened yet, but I'm really struggling with it. Jack's birthday is coming up on March 5. This will be the first birthday in the family without Mike here to celebrate it with us. I'm trying to figure out how I can make it happy for him and make it just as good if not better without Mike. We're not really "party" people and don't even personally know enough people for a party (nor do I feel like I could pull off a birthday party right now). I'm thinking of just taking him to his choice of restaurants for dinner then making him his favorite cake (he doesn't want birthday cake, he wants my mom's homemade chocolate cake that I haven't made in over 10 years since Mike had taken over all the cooking). In all honesty, I think I'm way more worried about it than he is because he has total faith in me that I can pull this off. I don't have nearly as much faith in myself as he does in me.
I have some homework given to me by my grief counselor that I'm going to start today. I'm hoping I can get through one day and not cry so much. It's a simple goal - I don't even have to NOT cry, just not as much. My other goals for today are to transcribe at least 500 lines (that's a stretch for me since my focus is so off lately), to eat at least a small meal (another stretch since I'm still having a hard time eating), and to take a short walk.
Mike: I miss you. So much. I need to talk to you about my day rather than talking to your ashes. I need you to hold me and tell me everything's going to be okay, and I want to feel safe and secure. Without you, I feel so vulnerable and alone. And scared. You were my rock. I love you, forever.
I have some homework given to me by my grief counselor that I'm going to start today. I'm hoping I can get through one day and not cry so much. It's a simple goal - I don't even have to NOT cry, just not as much. My other goals for today are to transcribe at least 500 lines (that's a stretch for me since my focus is so off lately), to eat at least a small meal (another stretch since I'm still having a hard time eating), and to take a short walk.
Mike: I miss you. So much. I need to talk to you about my day rather than talking to your ashes. I need you to hold me and tell me everything's going to be okay, and I want to feel safe and secure. Without you, I feel so vulnerable and alone. And scared. You were my rock. I love you, forever.