I have lost the one I love, the one I cherish. My lover, my best friend, my child's father, my whole life. Either you have stumbled across this because you want to find out how to help me, or I have given this to you. It has been just over 3 weeks since Mike passed away, but I am just as raw as I was on day 1, possibly even more so as the shock wears off.
How I am Feeling
Emotional Things You Can Do
Practical Things You Can Do
I understand that a lot of you find it hard to cope with my emotional pain. Hate to see me hurting so much. If you can't help me emotionally, you can help me practically.
Practical Things I Need To Do
Remember (Note to Self)
How I am Feeling
- I am numb. I am in shock. I am emotionally exhausted.
- I am in pain. A horrible, gut-wrenching, intense, unimaginable, and indescribable pain.
- My mind is totally occupied with processing my loss. I am trying to understand what has happened. I am attempting to make sense of it all. I am trying to comprehend the incomprehensible.
- I can't sleep. I want to sleep all day. I am physically exhausted.
- I can't eat. I no longer find joy in food, and it’s hard to force myself to eat simply for nourishment.
- I can't be bothered cooking. I can't be bothered cleaning. I don't want to go shopping.
- Everything is overwhelming. Small tasks are overwhelming. Small details are overwhelming.
- Nothing sticks in my mind. I walk out the door without my keys. I forget what I was going to do. I forget everything except that my love has gone.
- I am going through tidal waves of emotion. One minute I might be laughing, the next I may be in tears.
- Sometimes I want to talk. Sometimes I need to be alone. Sometimes I need silent company. Sometimes I need all of these things in the space of 5 minutes.
- Some days I just want to curl up in bed and do nothing. Some days I will keep myself totally occupied in an attempt to escape.
- Sometimes I will be intense. Sometimes I will be irrational. Sometimes I will be snappy, and often I will be totally lost in myself.
- Often I may not have a clue as to what I want, but it only takes a moment for me to realize what I don't want.
- I am hypersensitive and will often be offended by things you say to try and make me feel better.
- I want to wail. I want to scream. I want to cry. I want to just sit.
- I have very little choice how I react. This is coming from deep inside me and intelligence and self control have no effect. It comes from the basal self.
- Sometimes it so hard for me to respond to phone calls or letters or emails, but I truly appreciate that you are doing it, so please don't stop just because I don't respond. I appreciate them and need them in my “arsenal.”
- I will not be fully-functional at work/life/being a mom for a long time. In fact, I may never work with the same intensity again as my perspectives of what is important and what isn't has been changed permanently.
- I still want to laugh. I need to laugh. I may suddenly go quiet mid-laugh, when hit by a sudden reminder, but I desperately need to continue to laugh.
Emotional Things You Can Do
- Let me talk about him. I may want to talk about our love. I want to tell you how we met, our last days, and everything in between. I want to show you his picture, tell you how wonderful he was.
- Let me cry. Your acceptance that I need to cry and your permission to allow me to is one of the best gifts you can give me. Hand me a tissue, and do your best to sit quietly and let me cry.
- Once you have allowed me to open up or cry, please don't change the subject or try to stop me.
- I know you feel uncomfortable that I am in pain. Don't. Changing the subject, trying to stop me crying just makes me hold everything inside, and eats away at me.
- Let me try to tell you what is going on inside me. I won't succeed, but I need to try. You don't have to do anything. Just allowing me to do it, and allowing me to feel what I need to feel means so much.
- Please call and check on me. Even if I don’t answer. Knowing you cared enough to call is important to me.
Practical Things You Can Do
I understand that a lot of you find it hard to cope with my emotional pain. Hate to see me hurting so much. If you can't help me emotionally, you can help me practically.
- Don't ask me what you can do to help. I most likely have no idea; I am overwhelmed.
- Bring me a meal that I can just put in the microwave.
- Ask me out to lunch or coffee if you're local. Sometimes I need to get out and just don't realize it or have nowhere to go.
- Find out what sort of bread, milk, toilet paper, etc. I use and bring them to me. I have no idea I need them until I run out.
- Get copies of photos I don't have from family and friends and put them in an album for me. It will be one of the most precious gifts you could give me.
Practical Things I Need To Do
- I need to surround myself with beauty. Sit in the sun and just soak it up. Enjoy nature. Look at the majesty of mountains, and enjoy the miracle of a blade of grass.
- Have a massage.
- Write.
- Cry when I need to. Tears are a release.
- Not make any big decisions for a while. A big enough life change has already taken place.
Remember (Note to Self)
- Grief is an emotional injury that requires time to heal. Not a week, not a month, not even a year, it takes as long as it takes. It is similar to major physical injury. You may not be able to see the wounds on the inside, but they are there.
- Real-life is nothing like TV.
- I will not "get over it" - I will learn to live with my loss and incorporate the lessons into my life.
- I will get better over time, but I will never forget him. The pain ebbs and flows, but never goes completely.