I have figured out there is no shortcut through this stage of my life and my grief. I really am doing well, but I slide back into that dark place and have to fight my way out often. I was trying to shortcut it, and I was losing ground. I think the good part is that I AM able to keep fighting my way back out, and I know I will start gaining ground. I did get a little cocky and cancelled my last counseling appointment. I have since rescheduled.
Austin left yesterday to spend his spring break in California. He made it there safely and was genuinely happy to be going. On one hand, I'm also happy that he went because he really needs that time away and needs to spend time with his family there. He didn't go there over Christmas as planned since that's when Mike was in the hospital, so he has not seen them since last summer. On the other hand, I really miss him. This was another one of those dreaded "firsts" - the first time I've driven him to the airport myself in over 10 years, the first time he has been away since Mike passed. It's just Jack and I here for the moment, and it's....difficult. I'm looking forward to Jack going back to school on Monday.
A wonderful man from church is coming over today to help me with a few things. He's going to put my back fence back up and patch it up, trim my tree, and try to patch up my roof. He came over on Thursday and we talked about what needs to be done, and he prayed with us. He's coming back today to do the actual work, and I almost don't even have words for how grateful I am. Through all of this - Mike's illness and then his death - the one constant is that I have learned to see the world through different eyes. With my heart, really. My faith in God and humanity have been restored. I have been shown such kindness, generosity, and love through it all. People I did not expect have been there for me in ways I never would have imagined. I have formed new friendships and feel closer to family than ever before.
I got this in my email this morning, and it was such perfect timing:
Austin left yesterday to spend his spring break in California. He made it there safely and was genuinely happy to be going. On one hand, I'm also happy that he went because he really needs that time away and needs to spend time with his family there. He didn't go there over Christmas as planned since that's when Mike was in the hospital, so he has not seen them since last summer. On the other hand, I really miss him. This was another one of those dreaded "firsts" - the first time I've driven him to the airport myself in over 10 years, the first time he has been away since Mike passed. It's just Jack and I here for the moment, and it's....difficult. I'm looking forward to Jack going back to school on Monday.
A wonderful man from church is coming over today to help me with a few things. He's going to put my back fence back up and patch it up, trim my tree, and try to patch up my roof. He came over on Thursday and we talked about what needs to be done, and he prayed with us. He's coming back today to do the actual work, and I almost don't even have words for how grateful I am. Through all of this - Mike's illness and then his death - the one constant is that I have learned to see the world through different eyes. With my heart, really. My faith in God and humanity have been restored. I have been shown such kindness, generosity, and love through it all. People I did not expect have been there for me in ways I never would have imagined. I have formed new friendships and feel closer to family than ever before.
I got this in my email this morning, and it was such perfect timing:
the safest place to be is in someone's prayers,
and the very best place to be is .........
in the hands of God
Those who have reached out to me...you mean the world to me. Those who haven't reached out to me but have kept us in your thoughts and prayers...you also mean the world to me! I feel the love, the prayers, and the thoughts. They are just as important to me whether you reached out to me or did so silently.