The date has been set and confirmed for Mike's memorial/celebration of life service. It will be on Saturday, June 21 at the Cavalry Chapel in Bosque Farms. I haven't set a time yet but will confirm that later. All I know at this point is that it will be early afternoon (2'ish). I'm looking forward to this. I think we'll all be in a much better place and truly be able to celebrate Mike's life. He would want that. I'm feeling really good about this and know I'll be completely ready for it. It will help us all close this particular chapter and move on to the next.
Today marks 2 months since Mike passed away. I'm feeling really conflicted and don't know how to feel exactly. This morning I woke up ready to face my day. Then it hit me that it is a significant day that marks the passing of time. The day isn't even half over and I've been through the whole spectrum of emotions already. I felt hopeful then hopeless. I felt happy then profoundly sad. Then angry. I mostly end these types of cycles with anger because I think it's easier for me to feel anger than the sadness and grief. Through it all, I feel lonely. It's such a deep loneliness that at times it feels nothing will break through and make me not feel it. Ever. Mike and I used to sit and talk for hours. After 14 years together, we never ran out of things to talk about. I think I miss him more as my best friend than I do my husband.
This pity party started yesterday when I cleaned out his car so I could donate it. I put it off this whole time because a car is so personal to most people, and I knew I was going to have a hard time seeing his stuff in there. I thought I was ready, so I tackled it yesterday. I suppose technically I was ready, and I was mostly prepared, but that wave of emotion that came over me was indescribable. It was gut-wrenching. Even just cleaning the garbage out was difficult. Every single thing I touched caused a physical pain I wasn't expecting. I had vivid memories of so much of it and could attach a time and place memory to so many things I came across. I had to process through all that, then today's anniversary of his death is sending me on a whole 'nother ride I don't want to take. I tried to sit down and work today to distract myself, but I can't focus at all. Instead I'm going to get out of the house. I need to run Austin out to the campus, then I'm going to just go sit at the park or something for a while. I can't sit at home. Things have been pretty stable lately, so there hasn't been much to write about. This is a good thing, as there have been no major ups and downs and I feel like I'm finally off the crazy roller coaster I was on for the past 2+ months.
Austin had a great time in California and is now back home. It was nice (for us) that he was only gone for 9 days because just when we really started missing him, it was time for him to come home. I know his CA family really misses him, though, and would have liked more time with him. He'll be going back there in only 2 months, so they'll have a good summer with him. Things are going to get even more interesting this summer! Jack will be going with them for the first time ever and will be spending 2 weeks with them. They will be taking him to Disneyland, camping, and even a fishing derby. Jack and I are really close, and he has always said he'd never go somewhere without me, so I was shocked when he agreed to go to CA with Austin since I will not be going with them. This is going to be a huge blessing for all of us, and I'm grateful for the opportunity for Jack to experience this (thank you Tom and Colleen!). I have set a tentative date for Mike's memorial. I am looking at June 22. I still have to figure out where to have it and make sure that date works, but you can pencil it in if you plan on coming and I'll confirm that by the end of this week. I've really been struggling with this part. As I mentioned previously, I think I subconsciously wanted to delay the service as long as possible because it was just too final, and I was having a hard time accepting that Mike was really gone. On the other hand, I think we all really need this closure as our final step toward beginning our new lives. It's time. Overall, the 3 of us have been doing very well. We all still have our moments, and we probably always will. I accept that now. Jack has been doing so great, I'm so proud of him. He has been going over to his friend's house almost every day after school, and it does my heart good that he's behaving so....normally. Austin is staying really busy with his full schedule this semester, both with going to class and tutoring. I've been working more and staying very busy trying to keep the chaos here to a minimum. I used to be a hermit and really loved staying at home most of the time. Lately, though, I have to try to get out almost every day even for a little while. I'm grateful I have my knitting group to go to, and I always have little errands to run. I'm rediscovering myself along this journey. When this all first started and someone would tell me I'm strong, I would think to myself that's ridiculous, I'm not strong. I'm learning that I AM strong, and I AM brave. This is some scary crap I've been going through, and I keep picking up the pieces and holding everything together, and that's not easy! So what if I melt into a puddle of tears on occasion? Heaven forbid I should cry, or say or do something that seems totally inappropriate once in a while. My favorite phrase lately....FUCK IT! I have figured out there is no shortcut through this stage of my life and my grief. I really am doing well, but I slide back into that dark place and have to fight my way out often. I was trying to shortcut it, and I was losing ground. I think the good part is that I AM able to keep fighting my way back out, and I know I will start gaining ground. I did get a little cocky and cancelled my last counseling appointment. I have since rescheduled. Austin left yesterday to spend his spring break in California. He made it there safely and was genuinely happy to be going. On one hand, I'm also happy that he went because he really needs that time away and needs to spend time with his family there. He didn't go there over Christmas as planned since that's when Mike was in the hospital, so he has not seen them since last summer. On the other hand, I really miss him. This was another one of those dreaded "firsts" - the first time I've driven him to the airport myself in over 10 years, the first time he has been away since Mike passed. It's just Jack and I here for the moment, and it's....difficult. I'm looking forward to Jack going back to school on Monday. A wonderful man from church is coming over today to help me with a few things. He's going to put my back fence back up and patch it up, trim my tree, and try to patch up my roof. He came over on Thursday and we talked about what needs to be done, and he prayed with us. He's coming back today to do the actual work, and I almost don't even have words for how grateful I am. Through all of this - Mike's illness and then his death - the one constant is that I have learned to see the world through different eyes. With my heart, really. My faith in God and humanity have been restored. I have been shown such kindness, generosity, and love through it all. People I did not expect have been there for me in ways I never would have imagined. I have formed new friendships and feel closer to family than ever before. I got this in my email this morning, and it was such perfect timing: the safest place to be is in someone's prayers, and the very best place to be is ......... in the hands of God Those who have reached out to me...you mean the world to me. Those who haven't reached out to me but have kept us in your thoughts and prayers...you also mean the world to me! I feel the love, the prayers, and the thoughts. They are just as important to me whether you reached out to me or did so silently.
I need a day to rant. Please forgive me. Some days I wish I could just escape grief altogether. I'm tired, and I don't want to go through all these different stages of grief. I want it to just be...done. I've been having these weird swings lately that are so over-the-top extreme, I'm not sure yet how to handle them. I seem to be vacillating between a sadness so profound my legs give out and I'm collapsed in a puddle of uncontrollable sobbing, to a deep dark anger coming from my most primal being. On the up-swing, I almost feel guilty that I'm able to smile or laugh. Isn't it too soon for that? Do I have a right to laugh or feel moments of happiness less than 6 weeks after I lost the love of my life? Am I allowed? I realize that I feel what I feel, but is it crazy, as in the "calm before the storm"? What triggered all this? Every day something new and different is triggered. I suppose it's all of those stages I keep hearing about and reading about. I started cleaning Mike's stuff out of our bedroom over the weekend. At first I did okay with it, but as I would come across something sentimental, I was progressively getting more sad...and angry. Why did he leave me with all of this to deal with alone? Why did he have to leave me at all? I found a box with a bunch of his school-age stuff...some report cards, pictures, projects, hand prints, etc. On one hand, it was nice to have this stuff because I think it will really mean something to Jack one day. On the other hand, it's a very painful reminder. After a few hours, I had only made a small dent in his stuff and I found I was crying more than cleaning, so I wrapped it up for the day. I'll tackle it again next weekend. I really need to do this, and I'm feeling like the sooner I get it done, the sooner I'll have one place in the house that is only mine where I can escape the constant reminders. I'm very much looking forward to the day I walk away from this house to start over in a fresh house without so many memories of Mike torturing me. I still haven't been working nearly as much as I'd like to. I used to be so...driven. Now I'm still driven, but it's so much different. Everything changed, and most of what used to be important to me just isn't anymore. I'm feeling this burning need to make a difference somehow. I'm still trying to figure out what that means for me or which direction to turn. On the kid front: Jack is home all week for Spring Break. It's nice having so much time with him, but we're only on day 2 so far and I think we're going to have to find something to keep us both busy or we'll go nuts. Hopefully he'll be spending some time with his friend as well. Austin's Spring Break is next week, and he's leaving this Friday to spend his break in California. He's looking forward to going, and I'm happy he's going. He needs this time away to reset and spend time with his other family. He gave up his Christmas vacation there because of Mike's illness, so he really deserves this and I hope he has the best time ever. Photo time! It was brought to my attention recently that I never post pictures of myself. I don't like pictures of me, and I really don't like to post them anywhere. But my life is changing and with that, here's proof that I actually DO smile! This is Dawn (on the left) and me (right) at A&W this weekend. We had a good time with many laughs. And for those that aren't on Facebook to have seen this when I posted it there.
Every "first" is going to be difficult this year. I know that. Knowing that does not make it easier to prepare, though. Jack's birthday ended up being great, and he truly had a great day. He even said it was his best birthday ever! He got card bombed by my awesome Ravelry friends, he got some great gifts, and I made him his favorite meal (spaghetti) and our family favorite chocolate cake. Really! I did that! Mike was always the one who did the cooking and made the birthday cakes, but I pulled it off and it turned out great. It was a process for me, though. The meal and dessert ended up taking me about 4 hours because I had to take it slow and walk away for a few minutes at a time to regroup. Images just kept flashing through my head of Mike doing this exact same thing, and it was like being kicked in the gut again, over and over. I worked it out and made it through, and at the end of the evening I felt accomplished. Like...I took that huge step, and I came through it mostly undamaged. In fact, I came through it just a little bit stronger.
Yesterday was another first. Jack had to go see his ophthalmologist in Albuquerque. I initially asked Deby for a ride because I didn't feel I could do it alone. As most of you know, I'm scared to death of driving in Albuquerque, but it wasn't only that. I was nervous about the emotional part of this appointment. Mike was always the one who brought him to these appointments. It was kind of their thing they did together, and it was their special time...during the drive there and back, waiting in the office. The drive itself turned out to be no big deal. It's right by the hospital, and it was very easy for me to get to. The first problem was the emotions that started welling up as I got closer to the hospital. Those 6 weeks Mike was in there were a daily nightmare for me, and each day when I drove up there was torture...not knowing what that day was going to bring, not knowing what kind of battle I would be facing with the hospital, etc. I had this terrible knot in my stomach by the time we got there, and we just had to sit there in the car for a few minutes while I calmed down. After our usual long wait in the waiting room, we got called back. The first thing the nurse said to me was, "Oh, I'm not used to seeing you here. How's Mike?" She was horrified when I told her...that's usually not what you expect someone to say. She probably assumed he just had to work that day or something. She started crying and hugged both of us, and it took a few minutes to recompose. She was really sad and explained that she gets close to her patients and their families, and since we've been going to that same office for Austin since he was 6 years old, they know us all quite well. After we got through all that, Jack's exam went great, and his vision is holding steady (20/40 in his bad eye and 20/25 in his good eye) and doesn't need to go back for 6 months. With those firsts out of the way, it's time to pick ourselves back up and keep trudging along. Overall, the boys are doing really well still. I'm finally starting to pull out of that super dark place and am able to see little tiny bits of light at the end of this. I don't spent 90% of my day crying anymore, and I actually smile more than I cry. I think I'm even going to tackle my bedroom this weekend. I feel ready to start putting Mike's stuff away. I'm going to donate his car next week and will be cleaning that out this weekend. I don't know how much I'll actually get done, but for the first time I feel ready to at least get started. Until now, I kept thinking I couldn't get rid of any of his stuff because he might need it someday. I know that doesn't sound rational, but I couldn't get the thought out of my head. I think I just needed to truly accept that he is gone and never coming back. I've always known it, but I hadn't actually accepted it as reality because it was just too painful. It's still painful, but I'm starting to feel like it's more painful looking at his stuff here exactly the way he left it. Hopefully I'll be able to post some great progress by next week. I woke up this morning actually looking forward to starting this week. It was the first time in 2-1/2 months now that I woke up without a big cloud of dread hanging over me. I think I'm really starting to break through the fog and face reality. I've been in denial thus far, not willing or able to accept Mike's death. I've been telling myself he's still going to walk through the front door. As reality closes in and I accept that that's just not going to happen, I feel a little more ready to face my new life. I think I'm actually starting to believe I might make it through this.
I'm feeling a lot more calm this week with less appointments scheduled, and I'm looking forward to having more time to work. When I have too much going on, it feels like chaos to me, and I easily get overwhelmed. This week is all about getting ready for Jack's birthday! For the most part, I've really been dreading that, but I'm embracing it now and I'm going to do everything I can to make it his best birthday ever. After all, he's in the double digits now! Oh, and while I'm talking about his birthday...to my Rav friends. OMG YOU GUYS TOTALLY ROCK!!!! Card bombing Jack was an amazing idea, and he just keeps getting cards. I was going to keep them until his actual birthday, but he caught me with them and saw them. The look on his face was priceless, and I wish I'd had a camera. He got a little teary and was just so shocked that all those cards were for HIM. I know they made him feel really special, and it means so much to both of us that you thought of him and took the time to send him a card. Here's a picture of Mike on Jack's 7th birthday... I have been told there will be good days and bad days. For the first 3 weeks, I didn't believe that because every day has been a bad day, and the thought of having a good day was so far from reality I just couldn't even imagine it. But then I found myself telling a friend on that yesterday was a good day. I didn't think much about it until later when it hit me that I HAD A GOOD DAY FOR REALZ! I still cried many times, but less than the days before that, and I actually smiled a couple times...a true, genuine smile. Is THIS what it feels like to have a good day?
I had to go to Albuquerque in the morning for a meeting that went very well, and I walked away from that meeting with confidence that I'm making good decisions for myself and the boys. I also got to pick up my car from the shop after leaving it there for 2 days (I felt so vulnerable without my car!). Turns out, it's a really good thing I listened to that gut feeling and brought it in for a checkup. There was some oil valve or switch (or something??!) leak that would have turned into a very serious problem quickly and most likely would have cost me my car. I also had them do a brake job, fix my electrical system so I can finally roll my windows down(!), and some other maintenance things to make sure my car is safe. There are still a few things they recommended I have done, but nothing pressing, so I'll pick away at the little things as time and finances allow. The total bill for this set was almost $800, so I'll catch my breath for a while before having more done (repairing and charging the AC among them). The best part of this whole thing is that I needed a ride to pick up my car, so I ended up reconnecting with an old friend I haven't seen for almost 10 years, and it was wonderful to see her again. I thought about Mike constantly from the time I woke up yesterday, had many reminders of him throughout the day, and was thinking about him when I fell asleep. I miss him. So much. I'm starting to believe that someday the thoughts will be less intense and painful. Until then, I'll just be satisfied that I don't feel the need to cry every.single.time I think of him. It has been a month now since Mike passed away. It feels like a lifetime ago already. I have now learned the real meaning of "Widow's Brain." I knew I was more forgetful than usual lately, but this is ridiculous. Yesterday I went to knitting group at Starbuck's, and I actually forgot my knitting. It gave us all something to laugh about, and nobody made me feel stupid at least. I'm pretty good at remembering to do what I need to do for the kids, but when it's something for or about myself, if it's not written down I'm most likely not going to remember. Fine, I just need to at least try to remember to write it down so I can remember. Exhausting! I was proud of myself today. I have been feeling anxiety about my car thinking it's going to break down on me at any minute, so I brought it in to our mechanic today. I just asked them for an annual inspection, oil change, and for them to fix an annoying electrical problem with my windows. It means I'm now without a car until tomorrow night, but I'll feel much safer driving knowing they've gone over it thoroughly for me. The pride part comes in because it's something I would have never done before. This is something Mike would have taken care of, and I would have gone on blissfully with my day knowing it was being taken care of. I got the car down there myself and they gave me a ride back home, and I feel accomplished. It's just one more little thing that I now know I can do on my own. Of course, the second I got home I crumbled and completely lost it for a few minutes because, while I felt accomplished, I also felt Mike's loss hit me right in the gut again. I wonder if someday...I won't feel like I'm being kicked in the gut over and over. If something will happen and I'll just remember when Mike would have done that and feel only fond memories or happy thoughts. People say that will happen, but I can't even imagine it. I can't imagine not feeling immense sadness every time I see something that is somehow connected with Mike. It's not like I can get rid of everything connected to him because I would have nothing, and since I'm the mother of his son, that's pretty much impossible. My healing thought for the day: Fuck it! I have Widow's Brain! And another random picture... This one doesn't have Mike in it, but it does have Colin. I believe Mike and Colin are together now, hanging out, waiting for the rest of us. Take care of each other Mike and Colin!
I had to go out today and take care of a couple of things that needed attending to. Deby, thank you so much for running me around. Sure, I probably could have handled this on my own, but I so appreciate your support, and just being around another person really put me in a much better place today. You didn't judge me, you allowed me to cry when I needed to, and I felt strengthened. Thank you! Jack was feeling much better by last night and was able to go to school today. He's apparently still feeling fine because he texted me when he got off the bus to ask if he could go to his friend's house. That makes my heart happy to see him doing typically little boy things and to know he has a close enough friend that he wants to go to his house so often. I felt terrible yesterday because I had to cancel my appointment with my lawyer, but I didn't get through to them on time and they sent someone all the way here to pick me up. They were really good about it and not upset with me (at least not as far as I know!), and we were able to reschedule for this Friday. Something has been bothering me, and I feel like I need to address it. A very close friend has admitted to me on the phone that she was almost afraid to say anything to me now and feels like she may have broken the "rules" I posted a couple days ago. PLEASE, if you care enough to even wonder that, you have NOT said anything or done anything to offend or upset me! That post was my way of venting and I was putting it all out there. It was not directed at anyone or anything. It was a random bit of information that I have come across, advice posted or given to me by others, and just purging everything I had building. It was truly not directed at anyone. Everyone who has reached out to me means so much to me, and I appreciate your support and intentions. Even if you did "break a rule," I see past it and see your heart and how much your support means to me more than any specific thing you may have said. So if I have worried anyone with that post, please just....don't! I thought about just deleting it, but this blog is about my feelings and what I may be going through on any given day, so for posterity I'm going to leave it there. Just please don't let it stop you from reaching out to me or worry you that you may have (or might in the future) said something wrong. If you did, I can promise you I don't remember it anyway, as nothing specific sticks in my mind of anyone saying something wrong to me (at least not from anyone that I will ever have any contact with again, and I'll leave that one alone now ;)). Overall today was a pretty good day. I did cry a little bit less, and it felt good to get out and be with a friend. With that, I'll close with a random picture of Mike! This was Mike reading to my niece, Marissa (one of my absolute favorite pictures of both of them).
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